Things I Hate

 

I hate the Colorado Avalanche, black beans, diarrhea and Claude Lemieux. Trust me, they are all interrelated in some way.

I hate it when people begin a sentence by saying, “To be honest with you…” If you study psychiatry, you know that means the person saying that lies frequently.

I hate salespeople that try to sell you things you don’t need. They know you don’t need it, you know you don’t need it, so that makes that salesperson an asshole for taking that sales job in the first place. Anyone who tries to sell things to people they just don’t need is an asshole. Or a lawyer. I mean, well, they’re the same thing.

I hate being a man that occasionally suffers from cramps. Other than eating a damn banana, there is no cool product out there for relief like women have.

I hate overcooked fish and well done beef. This dates back to my childhood, but is there anything worse? As a result I will not eat Asian-fried cat or fish that isn’t battered and deep fried.

I hate broken hearts, missed opportunities, blown engines, wasted time, broken bones and FUCKING HEMORRHOIDS.

I hate the news media and how they have brainwashed our society. I am a former radio person, so I was trained in objective news reporting. There really is no such thing anymore. The media now IS the news, creates the news and decides what news is. News people are untalented actor wannabees that have nowhere else to go but behind a news desk.

I hate those that do, those that don’t and those that sit there and think about those that do and those that don’t.

I hate the phrase “wintry mix” to describe the 15 inches of snow that’s about to fall followed by sleet and then rain in New England.

I hate the Internet and how it has stripped people of their privacy and made the world too small. It’s all just electronic junk mail whether it’s delivered to your browser or your email inbox. It’s that same unwanted shit I pull from my mailbox at the side of the road every day that fills up my waste basket only it’s in this “really cool electronic form”. It’s been so long since I’ve had to use a pen to write a letter that I can’t form English written words on a piece of paper anymore.

I hate television executives that feel American Idol is more entertaining than anything on Animal Planet, The Discovery Channel or even the DIY Network.

I hate hitting myself in my penis with a hammer when the damn hammer was actually directed toward my thumb.

I hate what has happened to Saturday Night Live. Why did John, Gilda, Dan and everyone else have to go on to bigger and better things?

I hate “performers” who lip sync. They remind me of career politicians.

I hate the stock market because capitalism isn’t necessarily the best thing.

I hate moles and shrews because I don’t know the difference between the two.

I hate people that pick their noses, scratch their ass, don’t wear latex gloves AND put my order together for me at Burger King. Super size THIS you ignorant MOFO!

I hate people that have a negative impact on my life that aren’t me. That would include these people: