The Vatican: “Round Earth? That’s Utter Bullshit!”

Officials at The Vatican have officially declared the depiction of Earth as seen from space to be a hoax and an apparition conceived and developed by man’s inability to accept the Earth as being square in form. Paolo Cherubini, Professor of Palaeography at the Vatican School of Palaeography, Diplomatics and Archives Administration went on record early this morning saying he believed the entire “the world is round” theory as being “Complete hogwash, anti-Semitic and utter bullshit”.

Cherubini added, “We believe this view of Earth as seen from space is a man-made image completely manipulated by those in the business of furthering their own religious agenda. It is just as false as the pictures of the moon landings themselves. Everybody knows that space travel is a ridiculous notion based on scientific theories that are steeped and mired in utter bullshit. The Vatican refuses to believe and accept this image as being anything other than utter bullshit.”

For centuries man believed the world to be flat. However, Eratosthenes of Cyrene calculated Earth’s size in 240 B.C. using simple geometry applied to how shadows of the sun looked at the same time in two different places (Alexandria and Siene, Egypt). He used theories developed by Aristotle in his calculations, resulting in the discovery that the world was indeed round. Also, there had been no previous reports of any people or ships actually falling off the edge of the world, as depicted in Christopher Columbus’s The World Is Flat and Other Solved Mysteries of the Universe printed in 1490.

The Vatican is now challenging popular scientific belief by implying that instead of the world being a round mass, it is actually a cubed, three dimensional structure. According to Saul Blitzenstein, Head Space Guy at NASA and writer of the acclaimed book How I became a Jewish Princess, the Vatican is up to their old tricks again. “We’ve seen this kind of thing from them in the past.” Blitzenstein said, “We’ve seen the Vatican deny the existence of the Great Wall of China, the Hoover Dam and other physical structures such as the Arby’s on 5th and Broadway in New York City and the Starbucks in East St. Louis, Indiana. But to say that the Earth is not round and the pictures taken of it from space are doctored, well, that is utter bullshit. What we may be seeing here is the Vatican feeling slighted. They’re still pissed off they weren’t able to send anyone to the Beijing Olympics because of budget concerns and that doping scandal.”

One question already answered by the Vatican is that of falling off the flat surface of any side of the Earthen cube. Most Rev. Mons. Cesare Pasini, Prefect of the Vatican Apostolic Library says, “Based on what we know about gravity on Earth, one cannot fall off a flat side of the cube. Anyone who thinks that way is spewing utter bullshit.”

Attempts to contact Pope Benedict were not returned. However, we were able to speak with Mons. Sergio Pagano, B., Prefect of the Vatican Gift & Souvenir Shop. According to Serg, “We are all very excited to announce the arrival of the new Vatican Earth Cube to our gift line. It works just like one of those Rubik’s Cube things! Pick one up while you’re here or order one online! They’re quite fun and challenging, and remember, if it doesn’t have that official Vatican stamp on it, it’s utter bullshit!”

It remains to be seen if the Vatican’s stance on this issue will demand evaluation or any action at all from the scientific community. The world has believed itself to be round for so long that it may take more than just a statement from the Vatican to convince itself otherwise. In fact, when Earth itself was asked to react to the Vatican’s claim of cubed versus a rounded Earth, Earth replied, “Those clowns at the Vatican had better cool their jets and relax. I am not prepared to give any consideration to me being a cube. Since 240 BC I have been round and damn it, I’m not going to become a cube just because those dopes think so. That’s utter bullshit!”

Next week will prove to be another big week at the Vatican from a news perspective as they are due to give their opinion on Hannah Montana and her effect on the Earth’s rotation around the sun. It is agreed the biggest challenge will be for the Vatican to clearly define which – her career or her possible effect on our cosmos – is utter bullshit.

Leave a comment


  1. Nicole Jacobs

     /  January 9, 2013

    Kdawg, maybe the earth needs to become square and put Gary Bettman on the edge so he can fall off so we don’t have to see or listen to him anymore! Send the Vatican a letter and see what they can do about that!

    • KDawg

       /  January 10, 2013


      The Vatican has already gone on record as saying people or boats will not fall off the cubed earth. However, they could be wrong, and I would like to see your test case put into action. If Bettman does actually fall off the earth, we have gained necessary knowledge and lost nothing of any worth. If he doesn’t fall off the edge, then we have a real problem. I’ll contact the Vatican and see if we can set this up.


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