The Sublime and Malcontent Rant

the-truthIt’s time to unleash secrets from the unknown.  Enlightenment through the murky darkness.  Clarity beyond the misty haze of confusion.  It’s time for another rambling blog post.  Or as some would say, the musings of a mindless idiot.  Whatever your take, there is no need to fasten your seatbelt, this is a slow ride.  Oh, what the hell, why sugarcoat it?  I’m in the mood for a miscellaneous topic rant!!

Some people believe the harder you work, the more you are rewarded.  You know, the “you get out what you put in” thing.  Not me.  I believe hard work takes years off your life.  That just seems so logical to me.  I’m not talking about professional athletes who play high-impact sports because I think we all recognize that the average NFL lineman’s life expectancy is diminishing by the minute.  Within the next few years most of them will be walking around stuttering and wetting their pants during the combine before they’re even drafted into the NFL.  I’m referring to work in general, showing up every day, and putting your time in doing whatever job is it that you do.

Whether you’ve got a job where you only use your brain or if you’re doing something more along the physical labor side of things, either way, hard work is bad for your health.


I’ve had jobs in the past that required a ton of brainpower.  For God’s sake, I’ve been a web developer for the past 13+ years and I’ve worked on some pretty complicated enterprise business web applications.  But I’m not the world’s smartest guy.  In fact, when it comes to working on the web or technology in general, I’m not that smart at all and I’m the first to admit it.  But when faced with a task that requires some really intense, logically crazy work, I choose to NOT work hard.  And strange as it has been, I’ve always gotten my work done and done right.  And done on time.  I get paid as much as or more than the people who do what I do and work really hard at it.  It seems  someone is working harder than they need to be!

Along those same lines, let me tell you that people who work in the IT field are all overpaid and over-respected.  The people where you work who work the IT Help Desk?  The only reason why they seem to always solve your problem faster or better than you could yourself is because they are better at Googling than you are.  Do you think these people have all that troubleshooting and problem-solving magic contained within their skulls?  Nope – when you come to them with a problem, they tell you to go back to your desk, wait for them, and they’ll be right there to help you.

You go back to your desk, the help desk geek goes to Google and searches for the solution to your problem.  When they fix your crisis you thank them, bow at their feet, and think they’re the answer to all of the world’s problems.  But they’re not really any smarter than you are – they’re just better at using Google than you.

Web developers?  Yes, the web has come a long way in the past few years compared to where it was even in 2000.  I’ve seen web developers who walk around like they own the planet and act like their sh%t doesn’t stink.  Let me tell you, there are kids in elementary school who know more about web programming than most people in the business who have been doing it for years.  The kids coming out of college now know more about web and mobile app developement at age 22 than people like me pushing 50 who have been doing it forever.

The really funny thing is most web developers who have been doing it for awhile (or at least as long as I have) actually believe they should be paid a six-figure salary to sit on their ass and dazzle people.  I don’t feel that way about myself, though, because I know the limitations of my brain and how hard (or not hard) I’m willing to work.  I don’t want that six-figure salary because I don’t want to know what I’d need to know to qualify for it!  If you use that “I deserve a six-figure salary” logic, the eight year-old kid in third grade deserves more than that because he or she is going to be the person to finally reinvent the wheel…the RIGHT way this time.

Ok, let’s get away from all that geeky stuff and get back to being a little closer to reality…

Why is it that I am never able to hit my thumb with a hammer?  Every time I have missed the head of a nail when using a hammer, I hit myself square in the groin.  The truly beautiful thing I have discovered about that is once you do it the first time, when it happens again two minutes later it doesn’t feel as painful because the intense throbbing has a way of masking the painful impact of the hammer’s second strike, not allowing it to reach the really deep, undamaged groin tissue (if there is any).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with drinking and being completely sh%t-faced drunk at 2pm in the afternoon.  As long as you’re in bed by 7pm and don’t have a job to report to the following morning.  And it’s a Friday.  And you have no plans for Saturday.  And you didn’t start drinking before 2am on that Friday morning.

splash-sucksI found that the only reason I invested any time into watching any episodes in ABC’s first season of Splash was the same reason why I enjoy watching video clips of fiery NASCAR crashes.  The show is completely meaningless except for the ever-present possibility of a flat-out belly-smacker or a broken neck because the “celebrity” diver couldn’t stick the entry.  I think I saw four episodes of this laugher, and I believe I saw ONE diver nail the landing, and it was feet first.  I can do that while jumping off of my deck into the river 100 feet away, drunk at 2pm on a Friday afternoon.  WITH plans on the following Saturday.

I don’t care what you do in mid air, if you can’t stick the entry, you’ve wasted everyone’s time.  It’s kind of like setting the world record in a race at a track meet but you crap your shorts two meters before the finish line and everyone sees it.  And let’s face it, ABC needs to stop inviting Kendra Wilkinson to compete on their reality shows.  They’d be better off trying to promote a new reality show based on midget bowling with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Lurch from the Addams Family as the bowlers.  I did come up with a nice sounding last name for Kendra, though.  Kendra WilkenC*nt.  I don’t really care if you have the body of a former Playboy bunny, your acute lack of a brain makes your body look out-of-proportionately STUPID.

I can be such a nice guy sometimes…

My wife and I waited to see Django Unchained until we could buy the DVD, which we did the other day.  We have always been Quentin Terantino fans from way, way back and we own almost all of his movies.  We thoroughly enjoyed the film.  I thought it was one of Tarantino’s best efforts.  I was completely entertained and loved the story.  A true masterpiece.  Wow.  And all I could say after seeing it, besides piling praise on top of praise about the movie, was the people who made such a stink about the plot, the number of times the word “nigger” was used, and the amount of violence in the movie are so far off base they might as well audition for ABC’s Splash and break their necks on their first practice dive.  Hitting the water feet first.

Tarantino is one of today’s greatest moviemakers and anyone who thought Django Unchained was offensive should be thrown down a highly greased bowling alley by Kareem or Lurch into bowling pins made of cement.  That don’t move.  Head first.  Naked.

North Korea has been removed from my “watch out, they’re crazy dangerous” list.

[Editor’s Note:  For Boston area readers, that list is titled: “watch out, they’re wicked dangerous“.  BOSTON STRONG]

I have now moved and added them to my “watch out, they’re crazy [wicked] dangerous and not to be taken seriously because Kim Jong-un plays with Barbie dolls and believes the Backstreet Boys are the Beatles reincarnated and he and Dennis Rodman are friends and that is stupid and WTF is up with that?” list.  Since when is Dennis Rodman a goodwill or political ambassador for our country?

North Korea and its “leadership” are so ridiculously stupid I wouldn’t be surprised if they launched a nuclear warhead toward Guam and it detonated directly over Pyongyang.  After flying around the globe three times.  In and out of meteor showers.  Passing GO and collecting $200 eight times.  And North Korea owns Boardwalk and Park Place.  And three out of the four railroads.

sleeping-giraffeThe other day I saw this picture of a sleeping giraffe.  The first thing I thought of was that old joke, “Why does a dog lick its balls?”  Answer: “Because it can.”  Based on this picture, it’s quite obvious to me that giraffes have the same ability.  So now my question becomes:  Can someone find me a picture of a fish that can do the same thing?

Justin Bieber has found almost every possible way to make news headlines.  He has threatened people, he’s taken his monkey abroad without proper paperwork, he’s been caught with pot, he drives stupid, shiny cars and he’s been attacked onstage.  Hell, he’s probably also purchased four used ships from the Carnival Cruise line.  But one news headline you will never read about him is, “Justin Bieber creates a lasting legacy of great music, great musicianship, timeless songs, enduring fame and Beatle-like stature.  A true humanitarian, selfless donator to important causes, and an all-around good guy”.

Sorry, Biebs, you’re still just a flash in the pan.  On your best day.  Without your monkey.  Or with your monkey.  When the sun is shining.  Or when it’s cloudy.  When your hair doesn’t look stupid.  And when you’re not singing.  Or when you are singing.

Ariel Castro, the guy “suspected” of kidnapping, imprisoning, and raping the three women in Ohio for almost a decade will have a rare consequence for his actions if he is convicted.  He himself will be imprisoned and most likely repeatedly raped for much longer than he held those women captive.  It seems in this case the punishment will fit the crime.  Finally.  About time.  Should have known he was a bad guy just by his last name.  Someone get Cleveland some new police officers.

Ok, one more thing.  I know I’ve kept you too long today (assuming you’re still here) and you have things to tend to.  While we’re on the subject of idiots, I will harken back to the Boston bombings one more time.  I was on Facebook the day the authorities released the video of suspects number one and two.  First, wouldn’t it be a drag to always be referred to as “number two”?  I guess it’s appropriate, though, seeing that the guy is a BAG OF SHIT.  Anyway…I got into an argument with a guy on Facebook who was claiming the entire Boston bombing thing was a government plot, planned far in advance and the entire United States government was involved in a massive conspiracy against its own people.

Yeah, pretty stupid, I know.  Me and several of my other FB friends chastised the guy, and then I took the liberty of unfriending him.

And for those politicians or anyone else who believe the lockdown, house-to-house searching of private residences and show of police force was illegal, immoral, and completely uncalled for during the search for suspect number two (bag of shit), please come to Watertown, Massachusetts.  Knock on a few doors, identify yourself, and ask those residents how they feel about it.  Ask them if they felt a little safer that day knowing someone was watching out for them.  Ask the mother who was stuck inside her house all day with her young children and had no milk how she felt when an officer, armed with an assault rifle, showed up at her door with two gallons of milk for her kids.

I know, it was almost like a military state, and there are some crazies out there who believe our government will one day show the same presence when they mobilize their Nazi agenda against us.  Yes, there are people out there who believe this theory, but trust me, the show of force you saw in Watertown that day reflects the state of our fragile freedoms.  I would rather have someone armed to the hilt stand up and help guard my freedoms than have some douchebag (aka BAG OF SHIT) terrorise my family, friends and fellow citizens.


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