North Korea Detonates Giant Pinata Over New York City

north-korean-cow-pinataNorth Korea launched an all-out attack on New York City Wednesday, sending millions of people not to hospitals, but into the streets to figure out what had just happened in their fair city.  The attack occurred at 12:15pm as many people were outside on a beautiful sunny day enjoying their lunch break.

One observer reported seeing “confetti falling from the sky like a 400 megaton ticker tape parade”.  Others reported seeing several small, bright flashes in the sky followed by what appeared to be a slight breeze blowing in from the northwest.

Firefighters, rescue workers and other first responders were dispatched to Times Square and other areas of the city, but none of them lifted a finger except to shield their eyes from the glaring midday sun.  As one firefighter smirked, “If this is the best North Korea can do, I say BRING IT ON, BITCHES!”

Because North Korea is still technically classified as testing their nuclear capabilities, leader Kim Jon-un placed a direct call to the White House approximately fifteen minutes before the launch of their M4DUD736GWt921 pinata.  Recordings of that call were extracted from the official White House answering machine and made public a short time ago.  Translations indicate Jon-un said, “Me ho-man, me show you big words.  Me show you General Gau’s chicken notting compared to North Korean blowed-up woman toys!  Yee-haw!!!  I mean, Fee-Saw!!!  I mean, rut rus name of rat reery cool show yooo Amawicans had wee dee straw and hot hot blowed-up gerwals and rye do I spreak rike Rastro rum Jetsons??”

Sources say President Obama was taking a nap when the call came in and none of his aides bothered to disturb his slumber to take the call.

Investigators have had a chance to comb through the debris on the New York City streets and piece together the real weight of the situation.  One investigator, speaking on the condition of anonymity speculated, “It appears North Korea has launched a pinata in the shape of a cow at New York City that contained a detonation device derived from some sort of flammable liquid, a Bic lighter, and some twine triggered by a kitchen timer running on a lithium battery.  The contents of the pinata included shredded bank statements, shredded tax documents, shredded wheat, and leftover Halloween candy.  What really has us scratching out heads is we didn’t know the North Koreans celebrate Halloween.”  The investigator added, “I like the bite-sized Almond Joy the most!”

god-on-pinatas

Responses to the attack are already filtering in from the world community.  China, North Korea’s only major ally, said, “We do not strongly condone aggressive acts of this nature.  Or something like that.”  Prime Minister David Cameron of England said over high tea, “Anyone stupid enough to launch a pinata at the United States is stupid enough to believe an English football team can win the Champions Cup this year!”  South African Oscar Pistorius said from his holding cell, “I wish North Korea would break into my home and hide in my bathroom so I could beat them to death with a cricket bat and shoot them eighteen times until I was sure they were dead because I am a paranoid guy with stubs.”

South African authorities replied to Pistorius by saying, “Shut up, gimp!  You’re OURS now!”

According to the CIA, recent satellite intelligence reports indicate Iran, Kenya and New Zealand are possibly in the final stages, or near critical paths, of developing similar pinatas that could be aimed at the United States with the potential of making landfall.

When New Zealand was confronted recently about their pinata program, their response was, “Hey, you saw what Panama did with their meteor pinata they launched at Russia, right?  If we hit the United States, it won’t be a cow or a meteor.  It will be something more like a giant fruit basket, or a big wooden shoe, or something disguised as a big Roseanne Barr balloon.  Right now it’s all about creativity in delivery, not how we can get the pinata to travel two million miles.  But let’s be clear, our pinata program is for peaceful purposes.”

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