12/21/2012…The Date of Doom

end-of-the-worldI don’t know who gave the Mayans this lofty status as awesome, accurate calendar makers, but I think they’re going to fail in their prediction of the world coming to an end (again) on December 21, 2012.  What it really boils down to is this:  The Mayans either ran out of ink to print their calendars with or they were squashed by those crazy Spaniards before they could get past our Date of Doom.  Ok, it’s a fact these clowns knew a thing or two about astronomy and mathematics but anyone who tells you the date will reset to zero on a given date is a bit nuts.

They’re a ham short of a hamburger.  A dic short of a dictator.  A cock short of a cock fight.  They’re a nut short of a numbnut and a quat short of a kumquat.  Hell, I think they might even be an S short of an STD.  The calendar will reset to zero?  C’mon now, let’s look at the odds!  Those odds are about as good as a second-term president being effective or the North Koreans launching a friendly weather satellite into orbit or Lindsay Lohan living a drug-free and meaningful life, contributing great things to our society in immeasurable ways.  Since when do the North Koreans give a crap about the weather anyway?

And besides, what would be so bad about the calendar resetting to zero?  Hasn’t it already been at zero before?  This is the same stupid thing as people who believe there is no reason to reinvent the wheel.  Well I’m sorry, but I think there is a damn good reason for the reinvention of the wheel.  If you look at your basic wheel, it is only 50% as effective as it could be from a functionality standpoint.  Ok, if you don’t believe me, then go look at a wheel.  Pick any wheel anywhere.  Just look at it and it will eventually come to you.  Someone should be commissioned to turn all wheels into spheres for optimum use.  Some companies have already figured this out but it’s only made it so far as being used on some vacuum cleaners.

But just for entertainment purposes, let’s just assume the world will end on December 21st.  The first thing that strikes me about this is the day itself is the Winter Solstice.  Technically it’s the longest day of the year from a daylight perspective.  That means we will have the longest time possible to experience the end of the world without having to turn lights on, assuming it’s a sunny day.  But any day that can call itself the last day of mankind’s existence should be a cloudy day, right?  It would just seem more appropriate.  Also, if this day is really the last day for all of us, my mom won’t be able to celebrate her 80th birthday, which is supposed to happen on the day after the end of the world.  That would be a real bummer to have to wait all those years to celebrate your 80th birthday but you can’t because the idiot Mayans came up one day short on their stupid calendar.  I’m just sayin’…

Happy birthday anyway, mom!  If the world is still here, I’ll give you a call and sing Happy Birthday to you like I always do each year…

Ok, on with our assumption the world is ending on the 21st.  If this is the case then why are people hoarding and stocking up on things?  How many cans of spam can you eat once the world starts to end?  Why are people flocking to Home Depot and stocking up on pressure treated lumber?  What are you going to build if you and the world are dead?  As usual in New England, people will be stocking up on bread and milk just like they do every time the wind gusts over 6 mph or a dusting of snow is expected.  It always amazes me that people in the Northeast think they can survive anything as long as they have bread and milk.  They never think, though, to spend just a few extra minutes at the grocery store so they can pick up some eggs and cinnamon to go along with the bread and milk so they can at least make French Toast.  But no, it’s always bread and milk.  At least they will have some excitement with the world ending because eating bread and milk on your last day on earth sounds pretty boring if you ask me.

Then again, people still filled Fenway Park for Red Sox games last season although the Sox sucked (and sucked quit badly to boot).

Check your list as the world is ending.  Make sure your cell phone is fully charged.  Make certain your flashlights and smoke detectors have fresh batteries in them.  Make sure you have gas in your vehicle and money for your next mortgage payment.  And try to get your holiday shopping done.  You’re going to need all of those things because really, the world isn’t going to end on the 21st.  We might gain .000003 of an inch of new ocean depth because of the glaciers melting, but other than that, it’s just going to be the same crap as usual starting promptly on December 22nd.

I found this to be useful in your planning:

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  1. The World Is Still Here…What Do We Do Now? « Unknown Quantity

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