Lemmings Over the Fiscal Cliff

At 12:00am on January 1st we will follow the United States government over the fiscal cliff.  While everyone is partying and celebrating the new year each of us will be moving closer to that cliff, many without even realizing it.  As the party streamers fly and the glass ball drops in Times Square, our government will fail and lead us all over that cliff.  We will have no choice but to follow these leaders that we elected to serve our interests.  We will have no choice but to teeter on the cliff’s edge, then ultimately fall over that precipice, like taking the plunge off the top of a 200 story building.  As we plummet our bodies will twist, turn, contort and spindle out of control.  Some of us will likely pass out from the distance of the fall or from banging off other people on the way down.  It might be just like the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona.

But fear not for we will all land.  Not necessarily on our feet, but we will land.  And when we do we will survey the new world around us.  Of course, I already know what this new world will be like because I have seen the future.  Trust me, it’s going to be a little different around these parts.

Oh my God, what has happened to the beer?

Beer will still be available but it will all be flat.  Like a college frat house kegger that lingered for weeks after everyone either passed out or went back to their dorm.  No joyous bubbles and get this, no imported beer, either.  All beer will be that crappy stuff brewed in the United States.  You know, the stuff they sell at NASCAR races and abortion clinics.

Another dropped call!

Possibly the biggest thing we will have to adjust to after going over the cliff is the end of all cell phones.  They will not work.  This might mean you will see people driving their cars with two hands on the steering wheel.  This obviously doesn’t mean drivers will be paying attention while behind the wheel, it just means they will have their hands free.  Unless, of course, they are reading the newspaper or shaving or applying makeup or eating or…  You might spot kids walking to the bus stop carry books instead of having their cell phones glued to their ear.

No shades of gray

Black and white will combine themselves to become a transparent color that is invisible to the naked eye.  Once this happens, reading a newspaper will become impossible.  Web pages will become next to impossible to see, possibly rendering the Internet as a useless afterthought.  The annals of rock and roll will need to be adjusted to affect the changing of Three Dog Night’s hit song Black and White.  If black and white truly become one transparent color, the song loses a lot of its meaning if it’s just titled “And”.

Joe Paterno becomes the winningest coach again!

Don’t ask me how this will actually happen but after the lemmings go over the fiscal cliff, all of Joe Paterno’s 111 wins will be reinstated and he will once again be the winningest coach in college football history.  He will still be dead, though, and Jerry Sandusky will still be locked in the klink, thank God.  At least all of the players who earned those wins can once again hold their heads high and brag to their friends about how great they were even though they are poor now, after going over the cliff.  They still can’t talk about the stuff they saw in the locker room showers, though.

Oh, the irony!

Once all lemmings are over the cliff everything will smooth out and the earth will become flat, just like it used to be years ago.  Now we’ll just need to build some sort of fence device that will keep the lemmings from taking that ultimate plunge, off the edge of the earth and into the black abyss of the eternal universe.  I’d bet that will open another can of worms similar to the fences proposed to control that pesky immigration problem in the American southwest.

Stop bogarting…whatever that thing is…

In this new world pot will suddenly become legal everywhere.  You’ll be able to smoke it at school, at work, at baseball games, in church, inside your local hardware store, at the bowling alley, everywhere.  Unfortunately, the new world will have no rolling papers, pipes, dugouts or hookahs.  Talk about irony!  Hopefully toilet paper will still be available so pipes can be made out of the cardboard tubes.  I haven’t seen far enough into the future yet to know if that will be the case.

Why not?  Cows are brown!

Milk will be brown from now on and it will have a funny taste, almost like a pesticide or some sort of growth hormone.  Oh, and it will have little chunks in it that are like blue cheese.  Although cows will still be raised in pastures, the milk itself will not be pasteurized.  Take your chances with that stuff, I’m sticking with flat, cheap American beer after I go over the cliff.

There are WMD’s in Iraq!

Now that we know Iraq has had WMD’s all this time (they were discovered by a poppy farmer in a pole barn outside of Baghdad a few days ago) we have to worry about the Iraqis producing large fans.  Now that the world is flat, they might just be stupid enough to launch those WMD’s on their own people and then blow everything over here just to piss us off for leaving their country before they were really ready to defend themselves against insurgents.

Say kids, what time is it?

The transition over the fiscal cliff will turn all things digital back to analog.  The real worry here is that people may have to start counting on their fingers and toes again or bring back the abacus to perform those calculations that are a bit more difficult.  We will no longer be able to read clocks except maybe for that dripping one that Salvadore Dali painted.  Your Internet connection (assuming there is still an Internet) will slow down to a crawl just like in the good old days.  Landline phone service will be so bad we will begin hoarding string and tin cans to be able to communicate over distances.  Spark plug firing sequences in automobiles will be all out of whack causing us to revert back to horse and buggies.  You won’t be able to pick up television signals and your DVD/Blu-Ray player won’t work either.

Can it get much worse?

Toilets in the western hemisphere will begin flushing backwards, just as toilets in the eastern hemisphere.  It isn’t clear yet if the fiscal cliff will cause a problem with the earth’s gravitational pull, so the reasons for the crapper malfunctions aren’t yet identified.  The real problem is, to avoid massive sewage regurgitation on a worldwide scale, there will need to be a comprehensive toilet swap program created.  Toilets in the eastern hemisphere will need to be swapped with toilets in the western hemisphere and vice versa.  A possible benefit could be the exchange of cultural and political ideals that could, in turn, bring this new, flat world into an exciting paralleled world unification.  However, if the length of the string used between two tin cans isn’t long enough, this potential newfound brotherly love thing probably won’t last very long.

Don’t panic, there is hope.

I know this all seems crazy, and it almost sounds like the end of the civilized world as we know it.  Greece (only recently saved from going over their own cliff) and the rest of the EU are holding their breath and getting ready to jump out of windows because they know once we go down, everyone else will, too.  But don’t worry.  Never fear.  You have re-elected president Barak Obama and the Senate and the House of Representatives is still intact.  They will find an 11th hour solution.  They will act on the confidence you have bestowed upon them through our great democratic process.  They will guarantee your financial and economic safety.  They will come through for you just as you always knew they would.

How do I know that?  Why am I so confident in a positive outcome to this fiscal cliff dilemma?  Because you elected these people, that’s why.  Sure, they may need to rape social security and Medicare again, but they’ll do it.  They’ll get it done one way or another.  I mean really, if they fail it’s not like it’s going to be a post Armageddon world.  The sun will still shine and the birds will still sing.  There will still be sports, just no one in the stands to watch them.  There will still be movies being produced and released, just no one in the theatres to watch them.  There will still be goods manufactured but no one will have the money to buy them.  Put all of those things together and you have the real makings of an economic downturn or a super-recession.  The difference this time is it won’t just be us going down.  We’re going to take the entire world economy down with us.  At least, that’s what the so-called “experts” are saying.

The election is over.  If you have a job, hold onto it tightly.  If you have kids, hug them tightly.  If you have a spouse or significant other, tell them you love them.  If you have money in your savings account, hold onto that tightly, too.  Because if we all go over the fiscal cliff, the beer will be flat, cell phones won’t work, black and white will merge into nothingness, Joe Paterno will get his wins back, the earth will be flat, pot will be legal but you can’t smoke it, milk will be brown and lumpy, Iraq will have WMD’s, all your really cool toys won’t work anymore, and all the toilets on the planet will flush backwards.

Other than that, we’ll all be juuuuuuuust fine.

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