Thank-You Notes to Gary Bettman

Being a fan of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and a devoted hockey fan I feel compelled to write a series of thank-you notes to Gary Bettman, the Commissioner of the NHL, on this, the first day of his latest lockout.

Music, please…

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for being the worst commissioner the NHL has ever known.  Pee Wee Herman could do a better job of getting the season off in a movie theatre.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for not learning any lessons  from the last lockout.  Instead of “Thank you fans!” being put onto the playing surface when (if) play resumes, are you going to put “Screw you fans!” out there instead?  Honesty is always the best policy.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for ruining the hopes and dreams of not just hockey players, but everyone on the planet even if they don’t even know what hockey is.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for turning what was once a fast, physical sport into a concussion-laden thugfest with no real fighting.  How did you do that?  Pure genius…

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for ruining any hopes of peace in the Middle East and quality education in the American south.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for putting teams into markets that can’t support the sport.  If water doesn’t freeze in the desert, you shouldn’t be playing hockey there.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for making all newborn babies ugly.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for taking away dynasties and replacing them with mediocre teams winning the Stanley Cup.  Your salary cap makes every team the same except for their jersey logos.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for giving a team back to Winnipeg.  They’ve already proven they can’t support an NHL franchise so again, you’ve learned nothing.  What’s next?  Another team in Hartford?

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for changing the officiating during the playoffs so the players don’t know what they can and can’t get away with on the ice.  Apparently, they can now get away with everything including intent to injure, cheap shots and the repeated pounding of one’s face into the boards.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for making the Pope the real Antichrist.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for taking the term “purest” out of “hockey purest”.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for proving to all children worldwide there is no such thing as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for forcing me to watch regular, boring television programming.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for unbalanced travel schedules for teams in the eastern part of the Western Conference. 

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for showing the world the proper way to be a dick AND make lots of money in the process.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for not being able to pull a decent TV deal together with DirecTV.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for having the highest lockout percentage of any commissioner during your reign.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for making me question all that is good in this world.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for bringing goal scoring down and fan apathy up.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for making all puppies ugly and all rednecks GQ.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for making this hockey fan who has invested more than 30 years into your sport seriously question if he has any interest anymore.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for the rumor that you intend to step aside and allow Don Cherry to run the show and bring hockey back to its old glory.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for making me want to kick my dog, weed whack all the flowers that grow and make the sun go permanently black.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for ruining my favorite sport.

Thank you, Gary Bettman, for absolutely nothing.

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1 Comment

  1. Gary Bettman’s At It Again « THE SCARECROW

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