The Sheep Survive End Of Days

Humans, by nature, are a gullible bunch.  Tell them the sky is falling and they’ll take cover before they take the time to do the research and verify the sky is indeed falling.  Tell them about a guaranteed way to make tons of money on their investment and they’ll fork over their life savings before even considering if something that sounds too good to be true really is.  Tell them the world is coming to an end beginning at 6pm in New Zealand on May 21 2011 and they’ll ditch their personal belongings, drain their bank accounts dry and then bog themselves down in worry over whether or not they’ve lived a life worthy of rapture.

A good sheep follows his master.  A normal sheep goes out to graze in an effort to stay alive another day.  The black sheep organize a party to make fun of the good sheep (again).  You see, the good sheep have gone through this before only to have their faith dashed yet again, then to be renewed the next time the master calls for another ridiculous apocalyptic occurrence.  Translation:  Just because monkeys fly out of your ass it doesn’t mean you have the right to send the sheep into a tizzy (again).

 Did you do anything differently in the weeks leading up to Saturday’s nonsense?  Did you sell off or swear off your porn collection just to make sure you were one of those to be swept up into heaven?  Just so you know, chances are you were too late but who knows?  I hear God works in mysterious ways.  Did you call your mother and tell her you love her?  Did you make sure your checkbook was balanced and up to date so you were ready when the inevitable time came?  Can you even get into heaven if your finances aren’t in order?  There are so many questions about what you really have to do to get into that place but no one can just put it into plain English so we can all understand it.  Damn it!

My next door neighbor was mowing his lawn in the early afternoon hours of Saturday.  I told him it didn’t matter if his grass was cut when the earthquake started.  Then he asked me why, then, did I cut mine the day before?  I replied, “Simple – I have a ton of other stuff to do before the end of the world begins, like moving the rest of the dirt pile in my yard, hanging outdoor lights and spending time in the spa.”  Really, that was just my list of things to do on that Saturday.  I couldn’t care less what my lawn looked like or if I still had that pile of dirt in my yard that had been sitting there for the past month.  If the world was really going to end, why the hell would I stress myself out over getting my things in order?  I’d rather just drop everything and relax since I am rarely afforded that luxury when the world is business as usual.  Crap, even the Bruins and Tampa Bay Lightening were preparing for game four of their Eastern Conference Final series to be played that day, so how am I supposed to think the world was really going end?  If hockey is being played, kill the world another day…that’s what I’ve always been taught.

And I didn’t call my mother to tell her I love her because I told her that a few weeks ago on Mother’s Day.

When I left work last Friday I did what I always do at the end of each work day – I made a list of everything I needed to do the next day I’m in the office.  I suppose I must have been thinking I was going to be one of the billions who wasn’t lucky enough to be swept up in the “Going To Heaven” lottery.  In that case I forgot to add the most important thing to that list as the number one priority for the day – “Restart All Servers Because They Would Most Likely Be Off From All The Earthquakes“.  Unfortunately, I have no idea where the backup generators are at work so I’d be in the dark anyway.  I mean, there was supposed to be no electricity after all the earthquakes, right?  Zombies don’t like electricity, the light hurts their eyes.

Now that it’s the day after and there have been no earthquakes (only a volcano eruption in Iceland) and we have all survived the End of Days (except those who make up the normal attrition statistics by dying “normally”), what do we do?  Do we just stop mowing our lawns?  Do we just let everything go?  Do we let Israel expand its borders over 70% of the Middle East?  Do we let President Obama remain in power indefinitely?  Do we let the price of oil go over $400 a barrel?  Should Oprah continue on and on and on and on?

It sounds stupid, but if we allow those things to happen, if we allow Oprah to continue her blubbering or if we allow Israel to continue ruining that beautiful part of the planet known as the Middle East or if we allow anything to continue on the way it is, you can bet monkeys will begin flying out of some yahoo’s ass at some point and once again we will face a worldly crisis where we are forced to ditch all our belongings (again), get our finances in order (again), tell our mothers we love them (again) and mow our lawns (again) all so we can follow the herd and be a good sheep.  All so we can glorify some idiot who, just because he has a radio platform, can reach millions of people through the power of the spoken word.  It doesn’t matter what that word says, it only matters how many people that word can reach.  Remember, if Jesus Christ only had a flock of 15 people, no one would know of the guy today.  I used to manage an on-air radio staff of eight people and no one knows who the hell I am!  Big freaking deal!

It’s all about marketing, people, plain and simple.  This guy who predicted the end of the world doesn’t have a direct phone line to God – he has a Goddamn marketing staff!!  And that’s what marketing is all about – getting people to buy in to something they either don’t want or don’t need so someone can become either rich or famous through that sort of manipulation.  In many cases marketing morons refer to their customers as sheep.  You’re the sheep, the marking morons are your shepherd, leading you to what is best for you.  Their crappy, unneeded and unnecessary product is the grass on which you graze.  If those marketing fools have done their job according to the Marketing Bible, eventually, without even realizing it, the sheep graze on that grass daily and without question.  And POOF!  You are now a sheep!

In a strange way the End of Days probably worked out best for two entities.  As per the norm, my wife and I started our day by getting our news at the dining room table on our laptops over coffee.  At some point her laptop began playing It’s the End of the World As We Know It by REM (it all starts with an earthquake in their song, too).  So all day, while moving that damn pile of dirt in my yard, I had that song in my head.  When that finally began to wear off I kept thinking about End of Days, the movie starring The Sperminator, er, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I began to wonder how many people watched that movie recently as a guide to what the end would really be like because, well, it was coming.  Knowing how the royalty system works, I wouldn’t be surprised if both REM and Arnold were the true heroes of the day.  The victors.  The two entities that really had monkeys flying out of their asses.

Does all this mean people aren’t going to care anymore that world is really going to end on December 21, 2012?  I can see the wheels of the marketing machine turning now…

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1 Comment

  1. Mink

     /  May 22, 2011

    You never disappoint. Oh wait…hang on…a monkey is flying out of my ass!! What a cute little feller.


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