Black Folk – The New Internet Champions

Cambridge, MA –  A new study out today shows black people are faster and more efficient web surfers than their white counterparts.  Although a surprise finding for the whitey, the Portuguese are reportedly “really ticked off” with the results, sighting their ever-increasing numbers entering the world of technology and those taking typing courses at local community colleges.

The study’s author, insisting on anonymity, says, “Blacks have proven themselves to be more Internet savvy, mostly in the area of searching the web.  It mostly comes down to Ebonics versus the Standard English that is bastardized by most Americans and the English themselves.  Case in point:  A white man can perform a Google search for ‘booty’, in which he intends the search results to return sites dealing in monetary terms.  In comparison, the black man will garner returns with sites dedicated to both money and sweet, massive black bitch ass.  More useful search results translates into a more productive web surfer.”

Not only do blacks lead in surfing efficiency they also lead in terms of productivity through web-based research.  For example, Amy Whitehead of Fargo, North Dakota won third place in her school’s eighth grade bake-off, whipping up a lemon custard pie using a recipe she found on the Internet.  The pie was rich, creamy, and had a wonderfully light and fluffy crust.  Meanwhile, Jamal Deangelo Ballbaker (known as “DangleBalls” to his friends) won first prize in his eighth grade semi automatic weapon/bomb building contest in Detroit, Michigan.  Not only did Jamal manufacture an Oozie 406M assault rifle that can convert into a pair of nun chucks, he also created a 55mm pipe bomb from a recipe he discovered on anarchistcookbook.com.  Two recipes, one web site and five tons of explosive fun!  “That’s more fun than a lemon custard pie and it has a real-world practical application!’ said the author of the study.  “It showed a real creative spirit driven by one’s own taking advantage of the tool that is the Internet.”

While white people claim they invented the Internet, black people have taken the technology ball and run away with it.  Or they’ve stolen it.  Some sociology experts feel this trend began when black people learned how to use cell phones and Blackberry devices.  According to Arnold Thepig, “When mobile phone devices began utilizing pictures instead of making the user rely on buttons with numbers on them, blacks began to excel in their use of them, finally being able to place a call without having to recall such information as one’s actual telephone number.  Once they moved beyond playing Tetris on their phones, the next logical progression was a move to the web, where, if they could type or use a mouse, they had the world of information right at their waiting fingertips.”

At the bottom of the survey results were those of Russian descent living in Siberia.  Their excuses for being so web-lame, according to survey analysts, were very few if any Internet connections and their insatiable desire for Russian potato vodka.  Potato vodka has been proven to numb the senses just enough to give up caring for any Internet interaction and even the desire for contact with other humans in general.

Now that we know blacks rule the web, what about those disgruntled Portuguese?  According to study data, a major flaw occurred in how demographic data was grouped together.  It turns out the Portuguese were lumped in with the general Latino survey population, skewing the survey results.  “After all, everyone knows that Latinos don’t surf the web because they’re  too busy getting gangs together and spray painting graffiti on everything.” said the survey author.  Continuing, “Latinos generally live a lazy, sloth-like existence.  Even though it doesn’t take much energy to surf the web, you’d be amazed at how much they’d prefer to just sit around drinking tequila and bitching about how everyone hates them.  This is most likely why the United States government hasn’t put that huge fence up yet along their border with Mexico.  They actually want illegal aliens to pour into the country, and those people find it much easier to simply cross a river rather than scale a fence.”

White people took their Internet leadership for granted.  The big Internet companies such as Google and Microsoft are run by whitey himself.  This apparently provided a false sense of security for them.  It appears their constant drive toward new technology took them away from the Internet and more toward having an app for everything on their iPhones.  Even though most of those apps don’t do anything of importance is beside the point.  The whitey is and always has been more about status symbols than practical application of an idea.  While they were sleeping, the blacks noiselessly broke into their Internet houses and stole the white man’s jewelry that was figuratively known as the Internet.

Ibew Profin, Professor of Black Culture at Anchorage University in Iowa, summed up the results this way, saying, “When Obama became president he empowered black people.  He gave them hope that they, too can become and achieve anything they want to.  This translated into their belief that they were actually welcome on the web.  Teach a man to enjoy chicken and he will eat breakfast.  Teach a man to fish and he will eat lunch and dinner, too.  There are, after all, more than 150 ways to prepare catfish.  The blacks are using the Internet as their fishing hole, and now they’re learning to grow watermelon on the shores of that Internet.”

Let’s just hope the black man won’t figure out how to order potato vodka on the Internet.  And let’s hope those Latinos will never be able to afford it.

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