20/20 Hindsight Forethought Predictions for 2010

It’s time for my first annual predictions piece for the coming year.  2009 saw a bunch of weird crap happen.  From the glorious death of Michael Jackson, the bankruptcies of General Motors and Chrysler to the pitiful downfall of Tigers Woods, we were able to witness a wide variety of stupidity, poor decisions, and flat-out idiotic behavior.  What will set 2010 apart from 2009?

Absolutely nothing. 

In fact, if the human race sticks to its trend of becoming more and more dumb with each passing year, 2010 should be the most inspiring when it comes to how we can beat out or own records of futility.  For us, the humans are doomed to wallow in our own pools of ridiculousness and extended fecal matter.

There is no need for me to do a 2009 Year In Review because I magnify everything worth reviewing as it happens right here in this blog.  Unfortunately, no one except my wife reads my blog.  The main reason is that I put all of my efforts into the CONTENT of my blog instead of spending that time doing social networking, linking and all the other crap necessary to make my blog a world-renowned source of common sense and forward thinking.  That’s why you can always count on my posts being worthy of your perusal, just a bit hard to find unless you have a normal brain.  Most people blog about irrelevant stuff instead of things that really matter.

With no more ado, I present KDawg’s first annual 20/20 Hindsight Forethought Predictions for 2010!

Fads That Will Die
Fads come and go – that’s why they’re called “fads”.  I generally hate fads because it shows how gullible humans are, falling for crap that’s usually a waste of time, effort, and those cells we have contained in our skull called “brain” cells.  If you fall for fads, whether on the Internet or something you stuff into your clothes closet, you are just another lemming following the others to the edge of the cliff and onto the rocky shoreline below.  Instant death becomes your fate.

Twitter In the Shitter
Twitter became popular because some jackass thought there was a need for it.  Twitter will die because some other jackass will have a brain fart that will supposedly show a new need for idiots who actually think having people be able to follow their every move is really a needed thing.  That brain fart will develop into Shitter.com – a new web site that will use web cams strategically mounted in your bathroom that will allow anyone in the world to watch your facial expressions as you take a dump at any time of day or night.  This site will become more popular than CollegeHumor.com and will be especially popular with older cyber junkies (aka baby boomers who are too broke to retire).

Pay Increases
Many thought pay increases would completely die off in 2009 but those thoughts were slightly premature.  Upon further forethought, we see pay increases dead by the month of March 2010.  This will have a ripple effect and cause a new fad in 2010 called “Under Employment”.  This new fad will not die until corporate America gets its head out of its ass and realizes that just because we Americans don’t live and work in India doesn’t mean we can’t do our jobs well.

Celebrities Who Will Screw Up, Crash and Burn
If Robert Downey Jr. can still find work as an actor, that means pretty much any celebrity can screw up and still find a way to make a living.  I mean, look at Anna Nicole Smith!  But now she’s worm food.  Wah.  The key to being in the public spotlight is being able to cover your tracks, your ass, AND the money it takes to keep the mouth of your mistress shut.  If you can’t at least do that, you will be in my list.

Danica Patrick
Danica Patrick will be thrown off the racing scene after pictures posted on the web show she is really a guy from the waist down.  The irony posed in her/his “Got Milk” commercials will leave the American Dairy Farmers no choice but to  drop her as a sponsor once they learn what that “milk” really was on her/his upper lip in the ads.  Male racing fans across the country will choke on a figurative hairball stuck in their throats and immediately high-tail it to their local titty bar to once again prove their masculinity.  Damn racing fans never made any sense to me anyway.  Anyone who starts drinking at 7AM may have a problem.

Bill Maher
I have no idea what this self-absorbed asshead is going to do to piss everyone off in 2010, but I’ve never liked the guy and I’ve thought he should have been executed by lethal testicle removal several years ago.  This clown isn’t funny, he resembles some cross between a fruit and vegetable, and he looks just like a Jew that screwed me over many years ago.  I hope, when he falls hard in 2010, he never recovers and commits suicide on live national TV.  Might be some good content for the Daily Show?

Things We Take For Granted
As humans there are many things that happen around us every day that we take for granted.  From airplanes reaching their destination without crashing to the deodorant we use everyday.  We tend to think more about upgrading to Windows 7 than if we can just get out of bed in the morning.  Whether you’re picking up dog crap in your back yard or just trying to get to work on time, we do, in our subconscious, worry about things that shouldn’t keep us up at night.

Clothing Styles Dying, Dying, Gone!
Muffin tops will finally disappear and be replaced by fat women wearing spandex again.  This is a reflux of the fad that happened in the 80’s.  You’d think that overweight women would have learned that wearing spandex isn’t for everyone, but you’ve heard of big bell jeans coming back, right?  Bad fads can recur every now and then and when they do, it reiterates how some idiots just don’t learn from their mistakes the first time around.

I have predicted this fashion fad as dying for several years now, but it never seems to go away.  So with fingers crossed AGAIN, I predict teens wearing jeans with crotches hanging down to their knees (known as “drop crotch”) will finally go away in 2010.  If this doesn’t materialize next year I will buy a subscription to Fashion Weekly and I may even start wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants in hopes of starting a new competing fashion to go against this abomination of mankind.  I may even learn some ghetto slang so I can communicate with those idiots who wear jeans that make jean wearing an actual sin.

New Ways To Greet Your Neighbors
I have to assume the Internet will not be going away in 2010, so I’ll also have to assume that real face-to-face communication with your neighbors will also stay at a minimum.  In that regard, there will be no new ways to greet your neighbors except for Facebook and email.  I have already predicted that Twitter will bite the big one, so there is a possibility that without that, you may have to just say hello if you awkwardly happen to come within three feet of your neighbor while getting your snail mail out of your mailbox.  Don’t worry, though – you can always catch up on their latest crapping habits while browsing Shitter.com!

NASA Exploits
NASA will get off their asses and finally do something important.  They will send a probe to Uranus and they will prove once and for all that the planet of Uranus is actually a big, bulky mass of your anus!  The smartest thing about the mission is the fact that they sent a PROBE and not a manned mission.  Oh, the irony.

 

Cars Will Fly
Because I have always been a huge fan of The Jetsons, cars will begin to take flight in 2010.  No, we won’t be whizzing in and out of skypads 300 feet above the ground, but the makers of electric cars will be forced to make inroads toward flying cars.  Why?  Because the ground underneath paved roads won’t be able to support the volumes of traffic because we still won’t carpool.  Besides, the ground will be bubbling up toxic crap because of all of the dumping we’ve been doing for the past fifteen years to meet governmental standards for pollution.  Waste treatment facilities will finally fill up the water table with acidic blah blah making the ground unsafe to even walk on in 2010.  You’ve heard of the La Brea Tar Pits, right?

What I’m Holding Out For
There are some things I’m secretly hoping will happen in 2010 but I can’t officially go out on a limb and predict them.  It would be taking too much of a chance and hey, why would I risk my reputation on spewing useless garbage not worth reading and taking under advisement?

When I ride the train into and out of Boston and as I walk around the city every workday about 95.72% of everyone I see has ear pods stuck in their head with that silly little white cord hanging down and attaching to a hidden MP3 player somewhere.  Personally, I find that cord annoying – I’m always getting it tangled in stuff when I take my backpack off or try to unzip my jacket.  I’m hoping science and medicine can team together and find a simple way to implant MP3 players directly into the human skull and infuse the wiring for the speakers into the nerves responsible for hearing audio sound.  All we’d then need would be a simple little jack, say, behind the ear, that we can plug the MP3 player in for charging.  Better yet, hardwire a charging mechanism directly into the body’s nervous system for continuous charging.

If they can tear apart stem cells and figure out all kinds of cool stuff, they can implant a freaking MP3 player!

I’m secretly hoping that someone will come up with something in 2010 that will allow me to wave a magic wand and bring a winning football team to Detroit.  This seems like it would be an easy task, but it’s actually more complicated than most realize.  The only way to make it even remotely possible is to go back in time and stop Harry and Liz Millen from having sex on a fateful night and conceiving that bastard child.  The Lions problems run so deep because of what that idiot did, the only way to ever have a chance of making it better is if he were never born.  And no, it’s not like It’s A Wonderful Life.  Kim and I thought this season might be different because the Lions changed their logo and added an actual crotch to the Lion figure, but that didn’t make any difference.  It proved you CAN have a crotch and still remain without balls.

Happy New Year!

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