KDawg The Christ

As I mentioned in my previous post, the Jonas Brothers are NOT the second coming of Christ.  I also alluded to the fact that Christ has already come in the form of Jim Morrison, or Val Kilmer, if all you know of Jim is The Doors movie, a bastardization of Jim Morrison’s life by Oliver Stone.

But again, in the sense of morality and honesty I must come clean.  I am the second coming of Christ.  You may call me KDawg the Christ.  And with my birthday fast approaching, now is a good time for me to stop by. 

Jim Morrison was simply one of my disciples and Val Kilmer, nothing but a Hollywood actor hired to play Jim because sadly, he was dead.  Everyone thinks Jim Morrison faked his death and ended up as a baseball player for the California Angels, but I haven’t been able to find him since, so we’ll still consider him as worm food, pushin’ up daisies, and taking a dirt nap.

As KDawg the Christ I have observed many things since keeping my identity secret these past 46 years.  I have been an astute student of the human condition and the way things are here on your planet.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not unveiling my true identity so I can step in and run things the way they should be run.  I am simply going to remain on the sideline and be a consultant, offering suggestions where I feel they are needed most.  I won’t charge any hourly fee for my recommendations.  In return, I only hope you will at least consider my views and do the right thing.  Don’t worry, there is no pressure because there really isn’t such a thing as Hell or Purgatory.  My Father and I made those things up to try to keep you in line.  It’s obvious THAT hasn’t worked very well.

This is the first installation in a one hundred forty-seven part series.

Mayor Menino? Is That You?

First, what is up with all these gay people?  In my day the word “gay” meant a state of happiness and carefree spirit.  Nowadays it’s all about one’s sexual preference.  In that light, the word shouldn’t exist anymore because one’s sexual preference should never be in question.  No matter which sexual orientation you were born with, your job is to, once you’ve come of age and have found the right partner, have sex with the opposite sex.  When He created you, my Father did not have any chemical imbalance or other malfunction within the human brain on hand that would cause any of you to have any desire to have sex with someone of your own sex.  It’s as simple as that.  Repopulation of the Earth is necessary for your species to continue and you’re going to fail if you continue down this path.

All you faggots and lesbians can stop it with your pride parades, pushing for legislation for same sex marriages and equal rights under any constitution.  And please, stop frequenting gay bars before I have my Father strike each and every one of you down.  Gay bars decrease local property values and provide a place for you to meet others like yourself, go home and spread the AIDS virus.  The only reason why my Father and I allow that disease to continue to exist is because you idiots won’t wise up and fix your lives.  Until then we will continue to allow the disease to spread and eventually wipe all of you out.  If you want to live, then wise up and get back to where things are supposed to be.

Terrorists:  You are a bad, naughty people and you need to stop what you’re doing right away.  Isn’t it enough that we have provided your countries with huge amounts of oil?  With all that money, why do you care about whether or not Israel has the right to exist or America being the Great Satan?  I’ll deal with Satan, you just keep your oil pumping and keep your distribution lines open.  Just think – if you never would have attacked America on 9/11 George Bush would have only served one term.  Wouldn’t that have made you happier than always having to watch your back and meet in secret?  Either knock it off or I’ll show you that there are no virgins waiting for you in Heaven, only great big Jewish buffets of kosher food and cream cheese bagels.

Goddamn towel heads.  Sorry, Dad.

Ok, who are the idiots who’ve outlawed the use of marijuana in some countries?  My Father and I put that weed on the Earth for all to enjoy and some morons have decided it’s a stepping stone drug and bad for you?  What about alcohol?  What started out as a truth serum has turned into an accident-causing, health-debilitating joke.  If no pot is allowed to be smoked, my Father and I are going to take away flowers, vegetables, and tobacco.  Just watch – we’ll do it.  Then all you’ll be left with is Regis and Kelly and the Home Shopping Network.

Whoever invented the cell phone is going to the low rent district in Heaven why they die.  The cell phone has taken away the virtue of privacy and the safety of driving automobiles.  Is there really a reason why someone has to write and send a stupid text message while they’re driving?  Is there really a reason why your damn phone call can’t wait until you’ve gotten to wherever it is you’re going?  Does every kid really need one of those things?  It’s bad enough we allowed the invention of the Internet and now every jerk-off has to have the latest phone that can surf the web, send text messages, wipe their ass AND make phone calls.  Excuse my language here, but it’s a Goddamn pitiful thing. 

Sometimes I just have to wonder where it was exactly where Dad and I went so painfully wrong.  Should we have just left you alone so you could remain with the apes?  What good have you really done with the brains we have given you?

I have a problem with a few sports things, too.  If Brett Favre can come out of retirement seventeen times then why can’t Pete Rose be accepted into the baseball Hall of Fame?  If everyone thinks hockey players are, as a whole, dumb, then why is hockey just about the only sport that doesn’t have a steroid problem?  Hockey players are smart because they just get drunk and get into bar fights.  They’re too smart to use steroids because Canada isn’t smart enough to let them come over the border from the United States.  If that doesn’t make any sense to you, smoke some weed, damn it.

On the subject of hockey, my Father and I sincerely apologize.  We admit now that as an experiment, we didn’t give Gary Bettman a brain when we created him.  That’s why they’re playing hockey in the desert and in Florida.  So sue us.

Your society is destined for failure if you’ve voted down capital punishment.  If you’ve ever read that book about My Life you’d know that an eye for an eye is more than just a slick thing to say.  It’s a rule to live and die by.  Give everyone a gun and there’d be no more gun related crime.  Show everyone that they’ll have their nut sack or vagina ripped off of their body and then be shot in the head for committing any kind of crime and your society will be as clean as Mother Theresa’s love hole.  Your local community will also save money on law enforcement because there won’t be any need for it.  Prisons can be torn down and replaced with parks, football stadiums, or even dog racing tracks.  It’s a win-win situation for everybody and those that do suffer the negative effects of the Law shouldn’t be here anyway.  My Father and I do make mistakes from time to time, you know.  Christ, we can’t be perfect all the time!

Sometimes I enjoy taking my own name in vain.  Sometimes I look at all you people and just shake my head and think, “KDawg the Christ, what the &#%$* is it with these idiots?”  When I try to figure out what’s gone wrong and why, especially with all of the tools Dad and I gave you that distinguish you from the animals, I can only scratch my head in wonder.  We gave you brains and you don’t use them.  We gave you the power of reason and you act as though you have no common sense.  We gave you the ability to understand the difference between right and wrong and what do you do?  You fight wars against each other, you rape, you steal, you murder, you are addicted to text messaging and you think Jim Morrison was a musician first.

Jim Morrison was a POET first, well before Break On Through was released as The Doors first single.

So anyway, those are my thoughts in this first in a series of recommendations.  I’ll pop in from time to time to see if you’re doing something about these things I see and I’ll offer more timely suggestions.  I don’t want to be a complete downer so I will congratulate the human race (well most of it, anyway) on your ability to use utensils sucks as forks, knives, and spoons.  Most of you get that, but as usual, there are some that just couldn’t and decided to use chopsticks.  Is it just me, or are regular eating utensils easier to use than chopsticks?

Try to find one unseen benefit and we end up with another cloud.  Damn humans…

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  • Cheli, The World’s Greatest Dawg

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