Mythical Adventures

Myth:  Iran poses a serious nuclear threat
Fact:   As much as the United States would like to you to believe, Iran does NOT pose any nuclear threat…to any of us here, anyway.  Iran is simply enriching uranium for use in stopping the forthcoming attempted world takeover by aliens from a distant galaxy.  Why do you think they’ve been dinking around with the U.N. so much?  First they say they will allow inspections, then they disallow them, then saying they will cooperate with the United States and then pulling the rug out from underneath us when it’s time to sit down and talk?  It’s because in the end, when their up to date systems take out the entire fleet of aliens as they descend on Los Angeles, they’ll be able to stand up and rub it in our snot-nosed American faces.  Of course we’ll all be hiding in underground bunkers when that time comes because all the diplomacy between us and Russia has done nothing but weaken our defenses and make our forces obsolete.  Oh, and let’s not forget about all of those defense budget cuts over the past several years, too.

Myth:  Tiger Woods is a drunken, abused spouse
Fact:   Tiger Woods is actually a reckless driver who is completely lost when not on a golf course.  Can someone give this guy a break?  Who cares what the circumstances were leading up to his accident?  Does anyone care about how I totaled a car the third day after I got my temporary learner’s permit in 1979?  I doubt it.  The only thing we should give a crap about when it comes to Tiger Woods is how well he’s putting, not how poorly he drives.  It’s the finish that counts, not necessarily the approach.

Myth:  Be thankful you have a job
Fact:   Screw that – I’d rather have a job that pays well so I can continue with my regular standard of living.  I was laid off just after Thanksgiving last year and the first job I could get pays me $25,000 less than my last job and only $200 a week more than unemployment paid.  It’s further away than any job I’ve had before so it costs more to commute, the benefits suck, and I don’t make enough money to contribute to my retirement plans.  When are people going to learn that you don’t help the economy by creating jobs that pay under the poverty line?  Poor is poor, unless the only reason you want a job is to have somewhere to go every day.  What makes matters more insulting is that I’m in the tech industry with ten tons of experience!  Please ask me who’s getting rich.

Myth:  The Jonas Brothers are the next coming of Christ
Fact:   I don’t even know any of their first names.  I’m pretty sure Christ’s first name was Jesus, or Yahweh. If anything, the second coming has already come and gone, with Jim Morrison as the savior…or Val Kilmer.

 

Myth:  The Detroit Lions will win a Super Bowl in our lifetime
Fact:   Don’t be such an optimist and don’t be such a fool.  Placing bets on that line would be like trapezing without a net – you just don’t do it because common sense tells you not to.  And don’t be fooled by that line about faith.  You know, “Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to.”  That’s crap.  Have you had a talk with Lions owner Bill Ford Sr. lately?  Bet you haven’t.  Bill Ford doesn’t want to win, he never has.  The Lions have the worst record in the NFL forever, Ford Motor Company, although not declaring bankruptcy in 2009, sucks beyond belief (would you buy one?) and even Abraham Lincoln was assassinated in a theatre that bore his name.  Foreshadowing – gotta love it.  If you bet on the Lions becoming a winning franchise before the apocalypse, go ahead and put a gun to your head now and squeeze that trigger because you’ll never see that money anyway.

Myth:  40 is the new 30, green is the new black
Fact:   Get out your calculator and crayons and figure it out.  It’s pretty obvious.

Myth:  There is a sandwich in every beer
Fact:   Upon doing the analysis between these two staples you’ll discover this is a myth worth believing in.  Let’s break it down, looking at a typical ham and cheese sandwich with 10 ounces of ham, two ounces of smoked cheddar cheese, two tablespoons of Hellman’s mayonnaise, leaf lettuce and regular whole wheat bread.  In corner one, the Sandwich.  In the other corner, one Labatt Blue Canadian Pilsner imported daily from Canada.

  Sandwich Beer
 
Calories: 260 260
Carbohydrates: 62g 62g
Vitamin B6: 20% USRDA   20% USRDA  
Vitamin B12: 25% USRDA   25% USRDA  
Niacin: 6% USRDA   5% USRDA  
Potassium: 620mg 620mg
Dietary Fiber: some can give you the runs
Wholesome Goodness: average outstanding

As you can see, except for the fact that if you drink too much Canadian Pilsner you could possibly get the runs, beer has almost the exact same nutritional value as a ham and cheese sandwich.  One way of combating the possibility of getting the runs is to consume beer that is made with wheat products, thus increasing the amount of dietary fiber and reducing the chances of you squirting out the wrong hole.

Myth:  Always wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident
Fact:   Whoever thought this one up has obviously never been in an accident.  When I was run over by a car in 1998 I wasn’t wearing any underwear and I had no problems other than my two broken legs, trashed ligaments in both knees, concussion, road burn, impaled glass in my back and arms, bruises and the arthritis I suffer now as a result.  If I had been wearing clean underwear, along with everything else I probably would have broken my back, both arms, my right foot and had my testicles severed.  If I had been wearing dirty underwear nothing would have happened.  So the real issue here is, to free ball or not to free ball.

Myth:  Choosy mothers choose Jif
Fact:   There must not be very many choosy mothers out there, because according to Consumer Reports, Skippy is the number one selling brand of peanut butter whether you’re talking the smooth or chunky varieties.  That tells us that kid’s mothers aren’t choosy, which in turn tells us that kid’s mothers are all whores…more or less.  There sure is a lot to learn from peanut butter sales!

Myth:  All is fair in love and war
Fact:   People cheat in love, they cheat in war.  Usually if you cheat in war you end up winning and it’s the other way around in the love arena.  If you win at war you’ll most likely end up paying whoever’s ass you just whipped for reconstruction and if you’re a guy, your ex will whip your ass in having you eventually pay for something if you lose at love.  If you combine love and war, I’d say the myth is actually true, as in the movie War of the Roses, but that was a movie and Hollywood tends to not realistically portray reality.  Under the treaties associated in the combination of love and war, both people, to be safe, should always kill each other and have no one left standing.  After looking at both angles, the reality of this myth is a tossup.

Myth:  Give and you shall receive
Fact:   The only way my wife and I can get a tax refund is if we donate our used clothing to charity.  We give, we receive.  Otherwise, because we’re married with no children, we give to the government all through the year and they receive.  They don’t give.  It’s a one-sided relationship.  I give what I can to the homeless people on the streets in Boston, and they give me a thank-you.  I suppose I get some positive Karma in return, but that Karma has yet to materialize into anything great for me.  Tiger Woods has given us great golf over the years, and now he’s receiving the scrutiny of the media and a public that isn’t thankful enough for providing them with some of the greatest golf ever seen by man.  I think the fairest example of giving and receiving would have to be the sexual act of the 69 position, if you’re lucky enough to get to that point.

Myth:  It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings
Fact:   This is a complete myth.  At the end of every TV show, is there a fat lady that sings?  Nope.  You get an extra-long commercial break.  At the end of Stairway To Heaven, is there a fat lady that comes on and sings after Robert Plant finishes his lyrics?  Uh-uh.  At the end of the day when you lay down to go to sleep, do you hear some obese bitch singing?  Probably not.  Even in the Doors song The End, there is no fat lady singing at the end of the song.  Jesus, I mean Jim Morrison, wouldn’t allow that to ever happen.  This is one of the most ridiculous myths I’ve ever heard except for the more you shave the more hair will grow.

Myth:  Al Gore invented the Internet
Fact:   It’s a fact that the United States military developed the Internet as a means of communication well before Al Gore was in the public eye.  The only thing Al Gore ever created was an abomination of a presidential election and a crybaby image.  Oh, he also invented the ill-fated concept of global warming, which we all know is a farce anyway.  If you think about it, Al Gore won a Nobel Peace Prize for bringing attention to global climate change but he won nothing for inventing the Internet.  That fact alone proves he didn’t invent the Internet, only mass hysteria.

Myth:  Familiarity breeds contempt
Fact:   If you develop contempt for anything, then you’ve become too familiar with it.  I have contempt for the United States governmental system because I understand how it “works”.  I’d be much better off if I never learned what I’ve learned about it.  I once dated a woman for a year and a half and I developed contempt for her because I discovered she was an idiot.  I have contempt for my manager at work because the longer I’ve worked there the more I have learned that he is a self-serving sloth who exists only to hear himself talk.  The bottom line?  This myth is true.  Unfortunately, to evolve as a human being you must learn, and the more you learn the more contempt you develop because the world around us is so messed up.

Myth:  That’s the way they became the Brady Bunch
Fact:   We all think we know the story but we don’t.  Mike Brady didn’t form a family with Carol the way we think they did.  Greg Brady was porking Carol long before Mike came into the picture.  Mike actually met Carol through Marsha, who he was seeing at the time.  Ridden with guilt, they decided to form a family so Mike could secretly continue boinking Marsha and Greg and Carol could keep doing it in the bushes in the back yard.  One can only imagine what was going on between Peter and Jan and Bobby and Cindy.  Oh my.

Myth:  I’m a PC
Fact:   Macs offer stability along with high prices and PCs are cheaper and are stuck mostly with an operating system designed by a money-hungry conglomerate once headed by Bill Gates.  Unfortunately, to be able to survive in today’s society you must have at least one of these products.  At least you have the choice of one or the other.  An old Commodore 64 just doesn’t cut it anymore. 

Let’s just be glad Al Gore didn’t invent the computer, Tiger Woods isn’t a NASCAR driver, and the Brady Bunch never did a special with the Partridge Family.

At least there is a sandwich in every beer.  True salvation indeed.

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2 Comments

  1. Jim Dorrison

     /  December 11, 2009

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. Thanks for lightening a gloomy time of year with your humor!

    Reply
    • KDawg

       /  December 11, 2009

      Hey JD, it’s the least I can do. Keep reading, keep responding, and someday all of your dreams will come true.

      – KDawg

      Reply

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