Random Thoughts

randomthoughtsIf auto makers really wanted to produce a quality vehicle they would make a car or truck that lasts forever.  Unfortunately this would cause all auto manufacturers to change their business and production models to rely only on selling new vehicles to new populations of drivers as they become old enough to drive and buy their product.  If you sell each vehicle for $150,000 to each new driver, assuming the vehicle would last forever, wouldn’t the car companies be profitable?  Instead they insist on making products that last, if you’re lucky, for five years.  It’s quite obvious their current business model isn’t working.  Let’s try mine instead.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all if you end up committing suicide because your girlfriend broke your heart into 128,000 tiny pieces when she gave you the heave-ho?

Why is it that for so many of us, taking a vacation from work means staying at the house and working on things that never get done because you’re spending most of your time at work?  That all comes back to that awesome concept of four day work weeks I would suppose.  You go back to work after your vacation exhausted from spending your vacation working on crap around the house!

The great thing is they have supposedly proven that cell phone use doesn’t increase your chances of getting brain cancer.  The bad thing is talking on your cell phone while driving, which most people seem to do, increases your chances of getting into a car accident by 63 percent.  Your chances of killing yourself or someone else in that accident increases to 43 percent.  Shuddup and put your Goddamn cell phone away and concentrate on the task at hand, ok?

Tom Brady is considered one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL and you can’t argue with his success.  Unfortunately, the National patriotssuckFootball League has changed most of the rules as to how a quarterback is protected because of him.  Tom Terrific has single-handedly changed the NFL into a league of pansies who aren’t allowed to hit people anymore without the consequence of a penalty.  That’s one reason I get so happy when the Patriots lose.  Basketball is now the main contact sport we can watch.  Don’t worry, my hockey brethren; we know our sport is the best.

The death of Edward Kennedy gave many people hope that the days of the career politician were within sight of ending.  Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, acting on a special deathbed request from Kennedy that was voted on and approved by the state house, appointed a temporary representative to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Kennedy when he croaked.  By law there will be a special election to officially find a new representative within five months to replace the temp guy appointed by the governor.  Unfortunately, this will bring back career politicians as usual instead of each representative having a five month reign, which is closer to how it really should be.  I guess even a small taste is better than going completely hungry.


Ted's Dead Head

You heard that there may be a controversy brewing over how the cryogenics lab where Ted Williams is having his head stored may have “mistreated” his noggin?  There are stories leaking that some of the employees there may have “batted” his head around.  I don’t know about you, but the first thing I wondered after hearing about it was how far they were able to hit it and what was the employee batting average when all that swatting about was finished?  Hacky sack anyone?  FOOOOUUUURRRR!!!

Did you know that you can now get H1N1 just from worrying about getting it?

The reason cats are still roaming around on this planet isn’t the fault of dogs.  It’s because man hasn’t yet become smart enough to teach dogs how to eat cats once they catch them.  Yes, there are dogs that can catch cats – don’t be fooled.  Dogs are smarter than most humans I know.

Why is it that most of the people who purchase a hybrid car are already in the dark about what a gas pedal is for and how to use it before they bought this new gas-saving piece of junk?

Does anyone really care how long it takes a plane departing New York City at 4pm travelling at 250 miles per hour to reach Denver as compared to a car leaving Denver traveling 72 miles per hour on a constant uphill slope of four degrees into a three mile per hour headwind arriving in Las Vegas?

Las Vegas is so yesterday anyway.

If God created man in his image, who are fish and aardvarks created in the image of?

rioThe only reason Rio beat out Chicago for the 2016 Olympic Games is because it’s socially acceptable for women to go topless in Rio.  It’s going to be the most boring Olympics ever for us in the states because all the networks will be able to show are the games themselves.

Four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum.  Just what the hell does that fifth dentist recommend?  Are they ever going to tell us?  Dentist number five is probably deeply emboweled in the witness protection program somewhere in the Seattle, Washington area.

Why is it we can only fly in our dreams and when we’re awake we can only dream to fly?  The subconscious is so much cooler than the conscious.

Man has gone to the moon, invented the light bulb, the toilet, the Internet and high definition TV but we still can’t find a way to get that baby three seats to the right of you on the airplane to shut the fuck up on a three hour flight!

dogintoiletIf I could teach my dogs to use the toilet it would open up so much free time in my life.  Unfortunately then I’d never make it to work on time because we only have one bathroom in our house. 

If putting your hand on a hot stove burner for three seconds is relative to spending one night with a beautiful woman, what is the relative equivalent of ramming your entire arm into a garbage disposal operating at 4000 rpm?

Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?

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