Pandemic Hall of Fame

Oh My GOD!Remember when we were all afraid of this so-called H1N1 pandemic several months ago?  Do you remember when you actually had concerns about your safety and your health when the top story in every newscast outlined in detail the looming dangers of a global outbreak of the Swine Flu?

Have you also noticed that since the WHO declared H1N1 a pandemic in June we haven’t heard a whole lot about it?

I’ve been riding the train to and from work since last March.  In doing so I am shoulder to shoulder with a lot of people every day and I don’t notice anybody caring one way or another if someone sneezes or coughs up a hefty phlegm ball.  Oh sure, I see an occasional over-cautious moron wearing a surgical mask, but I just consider them to be stupid-looking paranoid freaks who probably have some sort of excessive compulsive disorder in the first place.

Note:  For the record, the CDC says there is no compelling evidence that says wearing a surgical mask is effective in preventing exposure to H1N1.

This has got to be the most passive pandemic ever declared.  Passive Pandemic Pandemonium for Pussies (P4), if you will.  Of course, if I were one who knows someone who has died from this thing or had their life seriously altered by it I’d probably approach this topic differently.  But I don’t so I won’t.

Pandemic?  What pandemic?  This Swine Flu thing doesn’t carry any weight compared to other pandemics we’ve experienced before.  Even the name of this strain of influenza is boring.  “H1N1”?  Who came up with that crappy name?  Just by looking at it you don’t know what it is.  At least “Swine Flu” carries some attention-grabbing connotations with it even though it has nothing to do with pigs.

I think a trip back through history will reveal this H1N1 thing to be a complete farce.  Let’s take a look at some of the prominent pandemics/epidemics that graced us with their presence and, in most cases, left lasting lessons and helped shape our current way of life.  We’ll call it the “Pandemic Hall of Fame” just for yucks.

In 1834 this country went through an outbreak that rivals the famous Potato Famine that struck Ireland in 1845.  It began with a small settlement of westbound pioneers in Indiana.  Several deer carrying the Z140A-MW type of influenza were bagged in a hunting expedition as settlers were stocking up on food reserves for the upcoming winter.  These deer not only carried a deadly virus, but to make matters worse the settlers had no way of storing the meat to keep it fresh.  The result?  The SandInTheAssCrack viral outbreak.

The main symptom of the SandInTheAssCrack virus was an intense itching in the area of one’s deepest anal region.  This condition was further irritated by defecating in the woods amongst the poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac and those really good tasting yet deadly red berry things.  Those inflicted tried many methods to ease their symptoms including wiping their ass with hemlock branches, medium sized rocks or even tree trunks.  Nothing seemed to work.  Without medical technology this virus was allowed to run its course.  Four years later when the virus had finally finished its death run, 5289 people had died.  But man learned a valuable lesson from this catastrophe.  He took what he learned and invented two things we all take for granted to this day – refrigeration devices and toilet paper.

Around 1900 another deadly epidemic took form.  It began in Tennessee and spread throughout Alabama, Mississippi, parts of Louisiana and into West Virginia and the eastern-most reaches of Kentucky.  People in those regions first began noticing an increase in newborn birth defects.  Several babies were being born with overly large foreheads with the baby’s brain very small in proportion tDamn Inbreds...o its skull size.  The introduction of the unibrow was also observed.  As the infants grew older signs of mental and physical retardation began to surface.  Schools began noting deficiencies in aptitude scores and compulsions for some to eat tree bark and wipe themselves with their own feces.

Many thought it was something in the water; some believed it had something to do with Satan and his Forces of Evil.  Upon further study these subjects demonstrated a strong romantic connection to those in their own immediate gene pool.  After more than fifteen years of data collection it was determined that this particular region of the country was experiencing an outbreak of the previously never seen ILikeToHaveSexWithMyCousin syndrome, shortened to IMInbred Simplex J.  A related spawn of this virus was also discovered around the same time labeled the SexWithMySisterIsAGoodThing virus, quickly renamed the N-BRED virus for those who couldn’t read words larger than six letters in length.

In this case the population didn’t learn anything from this pandemic and they still struggle to control it today.  Experts concur that this virus, especially when applied to the part of the country where it occurs most, will most likely never completely go away.  Local, state and the federal government have tried to pass legislation forbidding the root of this virus, incest, from occurring, but those damn morons in those states are governed by what they call their own “laws regarding morality”.  Strangely enough, however, oral sex is still banned by law in Missouri.

Another famous pandemic seemingly should have come to the surface much earlier in our history, but in 1972 the first case of this one was reported.  The characteristics of this deadly virus included a never ending desire to lie, keeping a straight face while doing so, a propensity for spying on people, an insatiable inclination to perform large scale hoodwinkings and general tactics used to Tricky Dickalienate large masses of common, everyday people.  Unlike most pandemics this one was able to be traced in origin back to one person.  It was aptly named TrickyDick syndrome.  As with most pandemics it had a secondary name, IAmNotACrook simplex BS.

Much like the ILikeToHaveSexWithMyCousin and SexWithMySisterIsAGoodThing pandemics, this latest infirmity has yet to be defeated.  Just when you think you’re about to elect someone who has character, morality, honesty and the other things you’d expect from a politician, they suddenly succumb to this oftentimes fatal disease.  The WHO is clueless, the CDC is baffled in offering any possible steps toward a cure, and even the United States government and all of its branches cannot come up with a solution.  Experts believe this disease will continue unabated until the complete and total collapse of all forms of government where its officials are elected by the people.

Then everyone will probably contract the IAmJosephStalinAndIRuleOrElse viral strain normally only found in some areas of Europe, North Korea and Cuba.

Another pandemic has recently surfaced in Russia.  Its effects include the loss of one’s job, an extremely high divorce rate, an smirnoffalarming rate of birth defects, double and triple vision, vomiting, diarrhea, falling down while walking on flat, smooth surfaces, and extreme hangovers at any time of day.  This virus may not technically be classified as a pandemic, but it has been identified as a national emergency in Russia.  It’s called Smirnoff2MyLiversyndrome.  Russia, being a relatively new entity, does not have the resources to control the sickness or even begin to logically address it.  This is most likely because there is a bottle of vodka within arm’s reach everywhere a Ruski goes.

So go ahead, put on your surgical mask, get your H1N1 flu vaccine shot, wash your hands, cough and sneeze into a tissue and stay home if you’re sick.  It doesn’t matter what you do or where you hide, H1N1 or some other virus is going to find you and it’s going to run its course no matter what the pharmaceutical companies, the CDC or the government says or does.

It’ll help, though, if you stay out of politics, stay out of the Deep South, Tennessee, West Virginia and some parts of Kentucky, and buy a refrigerator and some toilet paper.  You might as well get yourself a bottle of vodka while you’re at it.  If it doesn’t help ward off a virus it may at least make you feel a little better.

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  1. Pandemic Hall of Fame | swine flu pandemic

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