I Helped Kill Michael Jackson

ikilledmike

Ok, I’ve been on record as being not-so-unhappy about Michael Jackson croaking.  It’s true, I’ve always thought he was a so-so talent and probably should have taken some courses at the local community college back home in Gary, Indiana so he could really make something of himself.  But as the coroner’s report came back indicating Jacko’s death was a homicide, well, that pissed me off.

First, no doctor, even if he is a doctor that stays with you and is part of your entourage, should be able to administer drugs and medications normally reserved for hospital use.  If I were rich enough to be able to have a doctor that traveled  and stayed with me wherever I was living I would have to realize that this guy is going to do whatever I ask him to do.  If my doctor lived with me I would have an endless supply of percaset.  I’d have it set up so I could pop ‘em right out of a Pez dispenser for God sake!

If I had a need to have a medical doctor that close to me I’d check myself into some sort of psychological rehab facility.  Unless, of course, I had my own shrink staying down the hall in the room next to my doctor.

The real question is why did Jacko the Whacko feel he needed a doctor so close by all the time?  The answer is that our King of Schlop was too famous for his own good.  Who made him famous?  WE did.

So in reality, when you boil it all down, WE KILLED JACKO.

Don’t get me wrong here – I did NOT buy a single record by this clown.  I didn’t attend any of his concerts, I didn’t rent or see in a theatre whatever the movie was done about the Jackson reunion tour.  What I am guilty of, however, is playing some of his tunes on the radio back when I was an air personality at several radio stations in northern Michigan in the 80’s.  I couldn’t help it – I had to follow the format and music rotation where I worked.

But just to ease some of my deep emotional pain and guilt I will also admit that I once fired a guy from a station for playing a Michael Jackson song during a radiothon we were doing.  It went against the station’s music format and my own law, since I was the boss at that time.

There, I feel better now.

But the rest of you, you are the ones that fueled this idiot’s career.  You bought his crap, you went to his concerts, you stood outside the courthouse and screamed your support while the little molester was about to get his due, which unfortunately didn’t come at that time.  You also stood outside his hotel room while he dangled his stupid little kid outside of the window like a wet worm being readied for a fishing hook.

America and the world made this guy, black or white, what he was.  You can’t deny he was an international superstar, but you also can’t deny there are a lot of really, really dumb people in the world that helped make it happen.  It’s tragically embarrassing.  Makes me want to move to Mars, or even Iowa.

Now that we all get to sit back and watch the drama unfold as to whether or not his doctor is going to the gallows, we can take some time and think seriously to ourselves about how to keep this thing from happening again in our lifetime.  Here are some hints to help us all along:

If some guy loses a glove and still goes onstage wearing only one, that is an immediate clue that he’s an idiot.  We’ve seen this before.  Plus, if he takes that gloved hand and grabs his crotch in an uncontrollable frenzy while onstage, we know for sure this guy is doomed to an early, untimely demise.

If we see a child singing star grow up and begin to change his skin color from black to white or white to black, that should be a red flag that tells us someone isn’t comfortable enough in their own skin to, well, stay inside of it.  We’ve seen this scenario before, and it indicates an early, untimely demise.

If we notice a celebrity who builds a damn amusement park with crappy, wimpy rides designed for small children and that same celebrity openly prefers the company of small children over adults, that’s another flag.  If that celeb also shows a keen liking to having sleepovers with those same small children, we should know right away that he is a child molesting sicko bastard and yes, he will suffer an early, untimely demise.

If we witness a famous person who marries the offspring of another famous person just to cover up the fact that he simply cannot fulfill a real relationship with another “normal” human being, we need to get over the entertainment value of that and realize this person is headed toward an early, untimely demise.

If we also see someone that is designated as the King of ANY kind of music yet that same moron doesn’t have enough talent to even write his own songs, we should be able to ascertain that this “King” is, in reality, a jester parading around and pulling the wool over our collective eyes.  This bonehead is certainly headed toward an early, untimely demise.

Bottom line?  If you see someone and you can recognize the signs of an early, untimely demise, then you should waste no time on that person.  It’s not worth it; whether it’s an emotional investment or a monetary one, just don’t waste your time.  What’s the use?  You’re better off immersing yourself into the current season of LOST or, dare I say, even wasting your time twittering with other twittering idiots.

Twit THIS anyway, you unsocialized buffoons.  Twitter SUCKS and if you use it, you’re undoubtedly heading toward and early, untimely demise.  One day you’ll see that Twitter is just as lame as Facebook.

I’ve told you that it’s mostly your fault Jacko is dead and I’ve told you how to spot the symptoms so you won’t waste your time and kill again.  The rest is up to you.  Oh, and as a public service to you, I’ll let you know right now that Hannah Montana is the next Michael Jackson.  Keep your eyes open for a sign, like her possibly hitching up with one of the Jonas brothers.

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