The Question Of A Lifetime

Since man has had the ability to think and rationalize, since he has been able to ponder the most difficult of issues put before him there has been one question that has yet to be answered. The meaning of life has been discovered, the secrets of the universe have been revealed and the origins of man himself have been proven. Yet one question still burns deeply within the core of man’s existence:
Ginger or Mary Ann?
Up until now there has been no concrete answer. The Center for Cracking The Bullshit (CFCBS) has finally released the answer to this famous question and the results may or may not surprise you based on your intellect, your ability to play Scrabble and how many times you’ve watched Gilligan’s island in first run and rerun formats.
The answer? “Poppycock and bullshit!” says Wilfred Wango of Utah. “Mary Ann was the quintessential girl next door that had quite a nice ass and a bosom that could literally bring the cows home. The contest was rigged just like the election in Iran!”
 Ginger Grant takes the prize!!

The demographics of the respondents in the study fully explain why Ginger won out over the farm girl from Winfield, Kansas. 72 percent of all respondents were males who had “been involved with prostitutes at least twice”. Asked about the validity of the study’s sample, Wynona Numnuts of CFCBS says, “We initially weighed the sample so as to give Mary Ann a running start but we simply couldn’t find enough respondents to indicate that they could prefer a wholesome, sweet, honest girl over a whore-like wallet chaser. Besides, Mary Ann just didn’t have the cleavage necessary to take the cake.” 

Still, wholesome nice girl couldn’t hold a candle or even a vibrator to Ginger. 8 percent of those polled were females who admitted to masturbating while thinking of Ginger especially sighting her free solo in the “You Need Us” song sung to Bingo, Bango, Bongo and Irving in one Gilligan’s Island episode.
“Ginger had a radiant way about her that was more provocative than Marilyn Monroe, Jane Mansfield or even Madonna.” Noted one respondent, adding, “I feel for Mary Ann, though. She was the true forerunner of the Daisy Duke blue jean shorts, but the writers just didn’t make her slutty enough to appeal to the advertiser demographic targeted by the show.
Some fault Dawn Wells’ 2007 arrest for possession of marijuana as a major reason why she lost out. Although she claimed the pot wasn’t hers, it certainly tarnished her all-American image. Said Numnuts, “That pot bust left a lasting impression on those who saw her as a serious contender. She was still riding her wave of popularity when it all happened and she pretty much ruined any chance of taking Ginger to task.”

Tina Louise couldn’t be reached for comment as she was lying on her back auditioning for her next big role in the upcoming Children of the Corn XXVII, the Sequel.

“On a somewhat disturbing level we do feel the need to report that Natalie Schafer did receive three write-in votes. Those three respondents also indicated the liked the smell of bus fumes and found playing with toe jam a fun and gregarious way to spend time riding the bus.”

Numnuts said the next question to be tackled and forever put to rest is a logical next step forward. “Now that Ginger has toppled Mary Ann it only seems to reason that we put the next installment out there for a vote. It’s going to be Ginger versus Marcia Brady. We’re talking about the Marcia Brady that was old enough to throw away her training bras and rouse the boys on the set of the Brady Bunch. This will be a truly tasty bite of the American Pie.”

Hot Hot Hot!!

Stay tuned. This next study is set to begin shortly after the Michael Jackson autopsy report comes in.

EDITOR’S NOTE: KDawg is officially on record as stating he believes Mary Ann should have beaten out Ginger in this case. Says the Dawg himself, “I’ve always known that Mary Ann had every quality any normal man would and should look for in a woman. She was sweet, warm, understanding and yeah, she was HOT. Only an idiot like a man who prefers prostitutes or my brother-in-law would be so foolish to think Ginger is a better woman than Mary Ann. I put Marcia Brady right up there with Mary Ann. This next battle should prove interesting, especially since so many things have been revealed from Marcia’s closet the past few years!”

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