The Drive To Insanity

Driving in Massachusetts isn’t a whole lot of fun. It’s not quite as bad as being an 11 year-old boy spending the weekend at Neverland Ranch back when the King of Schlop was alive, but it’s remarkably close. The road system is poorly designed and it’s just not built to handle the volume of traffic. The closer you get to Boston the worse it gets. I’m originally from the Detroit area where the entire road system for the city of Detroit and its suburbs is based on a north-south east-west grid. There is no way you can get lost anywhere unless you’re a brain-dead sloth, which, if that were the case, you shouldn’t be driving in the first place.

For several years in a row up until this year Boston drivers have been rated as the rudest drivers in the country. I have never agreed with this distinction. I do, however, believe without a doubt that they are the STUPIDEST drivers in the country, maybe even in the entire world. Since moving here I have paid very close attention to their driving habits, mainly because I always seem to get stuck behind the worst, slowest and stupidest drivers Massachusetts can whip up. I get stuck behind them because if you’re not on a freeway in Massachusetts (otherwise known as a highway), you’re on a two-lane road with a 35 mile-per-hour speed limit. Apparently whoever determines the speed limit in the state already knows that most drivers here can’t hack going much faster without completely losing control of their stupid little hybrid whatever.

But for your information and education I have noted two very important things about the most stupid of Massachusetts drivers. First, for an area that gets pounded with so much snow in the winter, it seems a very small percentage of drivers in the Commonwealth own four-wheel drive vehicles. Translation: During the winter I spend a lot of time travelling at 5 miles-per-hour when I just want to run over the idiot in front of me in my four-wheel drive XTerra while flashing my middle finger proudly out my driver side window. If you can’t handle driving in snow, get the hell out of my way because if I’m on the road, I am going somewhere.

Second, I have compiled a list of the three vehicles driven most often by those who can’t even maintain the minimum speed limit. You know – those assholes who think that if they drive five miles-per-hour under the speed limit they will actually help the world last longer by reducing their carbon footprint. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – we cannot make an impact on saving our planet. Individuals simply can’t make any sort of measurable difference. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking politics, the environment, a quarterback on a football team (except maybe Joe Montana) or even those yahoos that set up schools in third world countries thinking that an education can pull a kid out of poverty. If you think that driving five miles-per-hour under the speed limit reduces your carbon footprint, I have a footprint for you that’s aimed right for your ass, and it’s NOT made of carbon!

Anyway, if you find yourself behind one of these vehicles, you are doomed. Swerve off the road and head directly into that telephone pole IMMEDIATELY. Take a garden hose and some duct tape and attach the hose to your exhaust pipe, run it into your car through the window and breathe deeply because the asshole in front of you is about to make your life miserable.

Beware the following:

* Anyone, man or woman, driving a Subaru Outback wagon. It doesn’t matter which model year the thing is or the color, although the green ones tend to be the most ridiculously stupid. For some suck-ass reason, people who drive “automatic 4-wheel drive” vehicles think they have a reason to drive slower than normal. I don’t get it, but don’t get stuck behind one of these things. If you or someone you know is going to buy one of these dumb-ass station wagons, get to the nearest shotgun and do what should come naturally to you.

* Mini vans driven by “soccer moms”. I do know some people that can drive a mini van and at least drive the speed limit at the same time. But these women who have kids in the van drive like I take a shit! It’s stupid – she drives extra slow because of her supposed “special cargo” yet if you look through the tinted glass you’ll see several kids inside the van bouncing off the walls because they’re all on Ritalin and our soccer mom hasn’t strapped them in with their law-abiding seatbelts. And while these kids are all out of control, soccer mom can’t see out of the back window to notice you flashing your headlights in an attempt to tell her to get the hell out of the way because you’re cramping up and need to get home and use the bathroom before you have an accident of a very specific kind! America, soccer sucks and so do soccer moms!

* Anyone driving a Toyota Corolla. Doesn’t matter – man, woman, kid, kids out on a date, kids out smoking dope and drinking beer, whatever. The Toyota Corolla isn’t built to manage the speed limit of any road. I don’t know how the engineers at Toyota did it, but they succeeded in building a car that simply sucks to no end. Either that or they have developed a marketing strategy that reaches only those specific drivers who don’t want a Subaru Outback or a mini van. Maybe it’s both, I don’t know. All I do know is that whenever I find myself behind a Toyota Corolla I end up crying like a little school girl and wanting to cozy up with my snuggly blanket like when I was a toddler. Kind of like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber when he met up with Seabass in the restroom. A Toyota Corolla can and will break the spirit of any automobile driver that has any desire whatsoever to enjoy the act of driving. It will make you decide to really decrease your carbon footprint by leaving your car on the side of the road and just walk to your destination because you’ll get there faster than if you stayed behind that hunk of crap Corolla.

AMA = The Academy of Motorist Assholes

Let me tell you, people, Detroit may be having its problems right now and they may have put all of their eggs in one basket. They are paying the price they have to pay right now. But at the peak of everything GM, Ford and Chrysler did, driving was always billed as a fun sport. Driving was meant to exhilarate and excite the senses of the driver and passenger. Compare the dog riding in the front seat of a ’69 Camaro SS or even a ’76 Cutlass Supreme cruising down Woodward Avenue in Royal Oak, Michigan compared to the dog riding in the Toyota Corolla crawling down Rte. 9 in Framingham, MASS. Just look at the face of each dog, the ears, the nose, grab a look at its tail if you can.

Even a dog knows who knows how to drive and who doesn’t. We all live a dog’s life, and some dogs just know how to live. Others might just as well be cats.

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