Sick People, Get Off My Airplane!

I’m not a big fan of having people invade my personal space, especially people that I don’t know. I’m not a germaphobe by any means but I hate the thought of picking up a sickness that has already been traveling inside someone else’s body. I mean, if I want to get sick, I’d like it to be my own virus that started with me, not some used thing that’s already been through someone else’s private inner workings. Science has come a long way and they have now identified 99 different forms of the common cold. That’s great, that’s fantastic, that really puts me in a partying mood. But that doesn’t mean I want to experience the common cold, so can we please keep sick people off of airplanes?

You get on the damn plane, stow your carry-on, plop down in your seat and get situated and then some moron comes down the aisle and you know he’s going to be sitting in that seat next to you. Know how you know? Because he’s got snot dripping down from his nose onto his top lip. He’s sniffing like he’s some sort of cocaine freak trying to get that last little spec of false brainpower up his nose, and he’s sneezing like someone just forced a five pound bag of pepper up his nose. Oh yes, he’ll be sitting next to you for the entire flight from Philadelphia to Detroit.

Well that can’t be too bad, can it? The flight only lasts for about an hour and 45 minutes, and before you know it you’ll be off that plane and on your way, right?
Well, the part about being off the plane and on your way is right as long as you don’t crash into a corn field in Ohio before you get to Detroit. But the truth is that for every one idiot that gets on that plane with a cold or some sort of virus, there are 20 more just like him. You may notice some of them, and some of them will walk right past you and you can’t tell they’re harboring a body full of germs, crawling around inside their lungs, squiggling through their spit and even hiding in the crap they’re going to let loose in the plane’s community toilet. All these little microscopic bastards trying to get into your body and spread their fun like the great potato famine of 1846 in Scotland.
Last Monday I was on that plane flying from Philly to Detroit.

There were at least 20, maybe even 40 of those infested idiots on my plane including that one extra special bufoon sitting right next to me. Each one of them coughing, sneezing and wheezing their filthy germs into the shared air of the plane. I could just see it all in slow motion, the moron next to me with his high-powered sneeze, and the site of his spit spray spewing, broadcasting itself at wider and wider angles until everything in its path was covered by its misty slime. It’s like fishermen casting their nets, spreading them further and further apart until they cover as much of the sea as possible. Not letting one fish, one old boot or dolphin escape their clutches.

As I sat there listening to one after another sneeze, cough and combo sneeze/cough/fart I pictured myself getting off the plane in Detroit completely drenched to the bone in the germ-ridden foam that had accumulated over me during that hour and 45 minutes. I began to wonder if that foam would act as a glue, keeping me from getting out of my seat to exit the plane. It was almost like a rubber cement, sticky, smelly, weighing me down and covering every inch of my being.
BANG! A bump, a bit of turbulence and suddenly I woke from my nap. What a dream I just had! What a nightmare! Thankfully we were descending into Detroit, approaching Metro Airport, signalling the end of this flight. We landed, I got off the plane and was on my way. No crash in a frozen corn field in Ohio, not this time. Another successful flight with no incident.

Here it is, Friday. I have to finish this blog post because I have a doctor appointment in a half hour because I am sick as a dog. My head feels like a bowling ball, my eyes are bloodshot, bleeding, and they itch to high heaven, I can’t stop sneezing and I have diarrhea that just won’t quit!! My joints ache, I have rectal bleeding, some sort of fungus growing in my armpits and my belly button has popped out like a damn turkey timer!

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