Area Girl Goes To School Without A Cell Phone

Auburndale, MO- Sources in Auburndale, MO say a student was spotted entering the St. Mary God of Our Holy Father’s Chastity Belt school yesterday without a cell phone. According to records kept at the school since 2002, this may be the first time this has happened. Several students were seen gasping and holding their hands over their mouths as the girl entered the school.

The student, 14 year-old Penelope Pinegrape, was described as a loaner and an idealist by fellow students. One student who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity said, “She sits behind me in my algebra class. I’ve never seen her use a cell phone, but I have seen her use this thing that has, like, a numeric keypad or something. I think it’s one of those calculator thingies. I’m pretty sure you can’t text with it.”
Harry Paratestes, the school principal, noted, “I’m not sure what to think of this thing. I don’t know if she is a student that actually wants to come to school to learn or her parents just can’t afford any of the 57 goddamn cell phone plans you can get nowadays.”
When approached for comment, Penelope screamed, “Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zools knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!”

The Missouri state legislature is currently evaluating a proposal that would would make using a calculator while driving a misdemeanor unless a hands free device is being used. Grief counselors will greet and console students as they arrive at the school for classes tomorrow.

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