Dr. Emmett Brown: "I Was .75 Gigowatts Short!"

Zinforg, 2047 – Dr. (Doc) Emmett Brown, inventor and time traveler known most notably for his role in the movie trilogy Back to the Future has discovered that he was .75 gigowatts shy of the gigowattage needed to effectively return to the present. This revelation now casts light on several mysteries linked to some members of the movie’s cast and the movie itself.

Brown’s findings appear in today’s Detroit Free Press. It is believed he actually discovered this flaw in his calculations in 1956, one year after Marty McFly returned to the future after prodding his father, George McFly to lay out Biff in the parking lot outside of the Enchantment Under the Sea dance held at Hill Valley High School the night of the big storm.
 
In his findings Brown wrote that he believed that although Marty McFly was able to return to his present of 1985, “Serious and unavoidable repercussions were a direct result of my miscalculation. The time-space continuum was breached and Marty’s life will never, ever be the same. Great Scott!” Brown went on to say, “We had actually planned on shooting four Back to the Future movies but we were unable to find Marty and Biff for the final episode. We kept receiving word that one minute they were in 1823, then five minutes later they were trying to escape from 2115. Even though they were under contract to film that fourth movie, we just couldn’t nail them down and it’s all the fault of my miscalculation! Great Scott!”
 
Brown’s new theory states that 1.96 – NOT 1.21 gigowatts – are necessary to be able to transport a time traveler back to the present. When asked how he could make such a careless mistake in deriving the number of gigowatts, Brown replied, “When I slipped while hanging that picture above my toilet, I envisioned the flux capacitor. That much is true. But what you don’t know is that I didn’t slip because the toilet was wet – I slipped because I had been binge drinking Jack Daniels all day. How can anyone be expected to come up with the necessary gigowattage after downing a half gallon of Jack? I mean, GREAT SCOTT! I took a shot, and I fucked up, okay?”

It has been reported that Dr. Brown has retreated to his family compound and is undergoing intensive therapy because of being overwhelmed with extreme guilt. In a statement released this morning by his publicist, Brown said, “I am learning to accept the responsibility that I, Dr. Emmett Brown, because of my miscalculation of .75 gigowatts, am responsible not only for the demise of Huey Lewis’ musical career, but also the condition under which Michael J. Fox now suffers. Michael is passing it off as Parkinson’s Disease, but I know in my heart that it has to do with the shortage of gigowatts used during his return to the future from 1955. I admit full responsibility and I would appreciate privacy for myself and my family at this incredibly difficult time.”

John Lithgow, who was the first choice to play Dr. Brown in the trilogy but was unavailable come shooting time, released this statement yesterday:
“I am saddened by this revelation by Doc Brown. Any idiot with half a brain could have easily figured out that 1.21 gigowatts wouldn’t be enough to power the flux capacitor with any sort of accuracy. Poor Mr. Fox must now suffer because of this unfortunate error and that is so sad because I really enjoyed watching Spin City.”
 
It does seem that the real victim here is Michael J. Fox. Eric Stolz, originally cast to play Marty McFly, lives comfortably with his parents in Utah. When reached, his only comment was, “So it ends up being a good thing that I didn’t get that part after all! Otherwise I’d be walking around trembling…shaking, and talking like an idiot. I suspected Doc Brown had a drinking problem. I mean, just look at the dude’s hair! Who knew it would lead to such tragedy.”
 
Phone calls to Michael J. Fox and his agent were not returned.

 

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